I haven’t written a post since last year! Although that was only three weeks ago! When I wrote that post, I was hoping I would have some positive information to share, particularly in regard to my mental health. Unfortunately I don’t.
I’m not going to lie, my mental health is the worst it has ever been. I’ve got a possible diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (BPD), which will hopefully be confirmed this week. I say hopefully, as even though that diagnosis was a shock, I’m glad I have an answer to how I’m feeling, as deep down I knew more was going on than just depression and anxiety, although those do come alongside BPD, but having a diagnosis doesn’t stop how I’m feeling. I have never felt such intense anxiety or such an overwhelming depressive feeling before, these feelings can come at any time, sometimes they come out of no where and last several hours, other times they last all day. The all day ones are the hardest to cope with, well actually I don’t cope. I am with the home treatment team for mental health (a crisis team) who ring me everyday and visit too and I also see my support worker everyday, who is extremely helpful and kind. When I get overwhelmed with how I’m feeling, I literally do not know what to do, I can’t think, I can’t make decisions, I can’t be distracted, I am trapped in my own head for hours and will do anything to make those feelings stop. This has led me to feeling intensely sucidal, acting on those thoughts, self harming and falling back into eating disorder behaviors. But I am asking for help, I engage with my team, my support worker and my CPN (community psychiatric nurse), I take all my meds and try to be as honest with them as possible, as I do want to get better. I had another crisis this week and told them I had been trying to take my own life, I was almost admitted back into hospital, but my mood changes so dramatically day to day, even hour to hour, meaning I am not always sucidal and can feel much more rational. So after a two hour meeting with my mental health team, CON and support worker, they decided I can stay at home, as long as I continue to ring them when I feel that bad. At this very moment I don’t want to go into hospital and I have been trying really hard to try and cope better and to ask for help when I feel too unsafe, but some days I’m such a risk to myself I want to be in hospital, which is a hard thing to admit.
This week is going to be hard, as I am moving into my supported flat, I was waiting everyday last week to know if I had been accepted for the flat and finally on Friday I was told I had been. It is a relief to know I have somewhere to move to, as my current tenancy ends at the end of the month and I didn’t know where I would be living once that ended, so I was considered homeless. However, I am so nervous and scared about moving. About living in a new place, being around new people and about how I will cope with all my thoughts on that first night in a place I don’t know. My support worker is going to help me paint it before I move in and help me unpack all my things, so that it will feel a bit more homely for me. Although I know I’m still going to be so nervous, no matter what we do to the flat.
I am so grateful to my support worker for doing all this for me, she leaves her phone on every evening and weekend, even though she’s not working, just in case I’m in crisis and need help. Part of my illness is that I have attachment issues and fear people will leave me. I know I am extremely attached to my support worker, probably a lot more then she realizes, but I can’t help it. I don’t know whether I should tell her, so that she is aware of how I would feel if she left or couldn’t see me anymore, but I’m scared to incase she intentionally starts to limit her contact with me, to try to help reduce my attachment to her. Do you think she should know how I feel?
With all this going, fortunately my POTS has been manageable, which has allowed me to be able to start packing, if I was in a POTS flare at the same time as this crisis, I really don’t know what I would do. I’m seeing my cardiologist in two weeks and have to give him my decision on whether I want the ablation on my heart, I think I will say yes, but it’s just another thing for me to worry about!
I am trying to focus on the positive things. I’m not going to be homeless, I have somewhere to live which is affordable and comes with the support I need, my support worker will still see me everyday and once I’ve moved in, she will help me focus on other things, such as going to a pottery class and to a therapeutic horse sanctuary, for those who are ill or disabled. I used to have a horse, so this is something I really want to do. When I’m in a crisis or feeling too overwhelmed these are the things I now try to think of, that there are things I do want to do, I want to have my niece run up to me with hugs and kisses, as she’s so happy to see me, to be able to go on holiday again and go out with my friends. I’m still taking it one day at at a time, but hopefully after this week has past, things will finally start to improve.